What Fear Has Been Holding Me Back

For a very long time I thought I was a confident person. I wore my independence as a righteous badge of honor. I hid my insecurities and fear of really connecting with people behind this wall of poor self-confidence and the thought that I didn't care what people thought.

This, in fact, was not true. I did care what people thought and I was insecure and it kept me from connecting with people on an intimate level and a very basic level. On the very basic level it kept from doing my job. It kept me from following up on things, making phone calls, starting conversation, moving things forward. I had big ideas dashed by the inner filling that I wasn't enough and "people" didn't think what I was doing was a good idea. I did care what people thought. And, I was  they would see through me and know it and think I was a fraud.

It also kept me from connecting on this most intimate level. The wall of insecurity stood strong in my inability to make the first move, say that thing that was on my mind, or say that thing that would make someone angry at me or love me even more.

Today, the insecurities are falling away. They had to for me to be the parent I want to be. You can't be an insecure parent or you won't be able to give your kids boundaries or expand those boundaries and let go of the ones you need to so they can grow. It is tough. You have to face your on deficiencies to show up. And that is what I want most, to show up fully as my self, not as someone who is afraid to make someone angry, hurt someones feelings, or get something wrong. When you show  up those things will happen but, that have to or you want be able to be the person you and everyone else is waiting for. You. You who can also  love deeply, explore, learn, and make so many people smile too.