Thanks for the birthday wishes

Thanks for all Noah's birthday wishes! He enjoyed them all.

Here are some pics from his celebrations which started Friday night at Oakland Museum with dancing, pizza, peace rock painting, black panthers dance performance, and koi fish watching with his buddy Colt.

Then off to the mountains for skiing with Mama, his first full-size candy bar, and his first cross-country ski expedition - his choice for how to spend the day! That's my boy!

Happy Seventh Birthday Noah!

Today is Noah's birthday and we are together RELAXING. We are in the mountains doing the things that feel good like sleeping in, watching our favorite shows, and gearing up for some quality time in the snow. Noah thrives outside with space to explore on his on terms. Today, he wants to try to cross-country skiing. It could be an epic disaster but, the outcome is less important than the experience and I can't wait to try this with him. My gift to him this beautiful day is to provide him with opportunity. That is my gift to him everyday. I gave brought him into this world to experience it and that is what every day is about. It isn't about pretending every minute is wonderful. That is not real. What is real is sharing in the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. It is about growing through struggles together, and coming out of it better people. Noah challenges me in ways I didn't know were possible. He makes me and his father face our on demons and baggage. Noah is a knowing person,  sophisticated in so many ways but, he is also a child which is important to remember. His feelings and emotions are so big. They are bigger than any seven year old I have ever seen. He thoughtful nature sees the truth in what is happening. There is no pulling the wool over his eyes. There is no sheltering him until he is older. His sense of inquiry and curiosity for people and their feelings is enormous. It can be a lot of a little boy to hold. I am doing me best to help him grow into his on curiosity. He is less about toys and more about activity. He always has been. As I baby he wasn't the least bit interested in having toys hanging from his stroller. He wanted to see your face not a toy. He wanted to observe people and expressions and the movement around him. He is much the same today. Always observing, taking it and making meaning of it. Today my baby who can into this world with so much anticipation and love is seven. His feelings are as big as his eyes and his smile and I love him so, so , so much.

What Fear Has Been Holding Me Back

For a very long time I thought I was a confident person. I wore my independence as a righteous badge of honor. I hid my insecurities and fear of really connecting with people behind this wall of poor self-confidence and the thought that I didn't care what people thought.

This, in fact, was not true. I did care what people thought and I was insecure and it kept me from connecting with people on an intimate level and a very basic level. On the very basic level it kept from doing my job. It kept me from following up on things, making phone calls, starting conversation, moving things forward. I had big ideas dashed by the inner filling that I wasn't enough and "people" didn't think what I was doing was a good idea. I did care what people thought. And, I was  they would see through me and know it and think I was a fraud.

It also kept me from connecting on this most intimate level. The wall of insecurity stood strong in my inability to make the first move, say that thing that was on my mind, or say that thing that would make someone angry at me or love me even more.

Today, the insecurities are falling away. They had to for me to be the parent I want to be. You can't be an insecure parent or you won't be able to give your kids boundaries or expand those boundaries and let go of the ones you need to so they can grow. It is tough. You have to face your on deficiencies to show up. And that is what I want most, to show up fully as my self, not as someone who is afraid to make someone angry, hurt someones feelings, or get something wrong. When you show  up those things will happen but, that have to or you want be able to be the person you and everyone else is waiting for. You. You who can also  love deeply, explore, learn, and make so many people smile too.